Sarah & The Heart Empire

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by John "I always tell the truth" Koehler

I've shared this story before. The story of when I almost lost my life at the hands of a "poor defenseless" young woman named Sarah Britnall. Oh sure, I know what you're thinking: she's in a wheelchair, she has limited control of her arms and legs. There's no way she could overpower a huge hairy grown man like me.

Please God, don't EVER let me grow up.

But we're not talking about her physical power to control me, oh no. We are talking about her willingness to completely DOMINATE my mind and my heart. Yes, folks, Sarah Britnall is a total Heart Dominatrix. It's time for this wretched story to finally come out, and I'm just the guy to do it. Even now, as I hearken (hmmm, do people still use that word?) back to the day of my destruction, I shudder and try to forget about her.

But she's like some emotional and mental VIRUS I can't wipe out!

I've been to the doctors about it, but they just tell me to stay on my medication for bipolar syndrome and they try and placate and patronize me. I'm not sure what those two words mean, but they're wrong, I can tell you that.

I've been to my pastor about it, but he said I needed to see a catholic priest to have a exorcism done. But I'm like, "Dude, I get plenty of exercise every day. This is not about my BODY, it's about my heart!" Look at the wheelchair tracks across my heart, and you'll see the marks of a defeated man. A man who has given in to a GIRL.

That is so gross.

I went to a cardiologist and told him my heart was enlarged, and when I told him it was about a young woman, HE told me to see a priest and ask for forgiveness! I'm like, "Dude, she's like me SISTER, it's not my fault, she's relentless and she is ruining my heart. I'm sick and you're a heart doctor. So get the crap to work." He kicked me out when I said crap and told me to go see a proctologist. What the crap is a proctologist?

A while back, I went to Baltimore Capernaum's banquet, where people dress up and talk about each other's disabilities, even if they don't have one. Ahhhhh, but we ALL have a disability, and usually it's in our heart. That's because SARAH BRITNALL has infected us with her horrible, horrible virus of love.

Kootie pills don't work, I can tell you that. Neither does massive doses of chocolate, though I keep trying that....

So anyway, there I was, minding my own business, when up rolled Sarah. Now before you ask, "Who was pushing her?," or "How can she roll herself," just back the freak off, this is MY story! I'm telling you that when that heart harlot wants something, she gets it. She can MAKE her wheelchair roll by herself. Or maybe she controlled my mind so I'd come over and push her away for another quiet moment.

It was all her idea! Don't you see how she works? She preys on guys like me. Supernaturally good looking, quiet and shy, minding our own business, usually in a reverential attitude of respectful prayer, never in trouble. I LOVE guys like that (One day I'll meet one).

So what does the heart wrecker do? She culls you out from the pack and forces you to go off for a quiet moment. Alone. Just the two of you. Now you KNOW that this is wrong. You KNOW that you're not supposed to be hanging out with some young hot chick. People look and see a poor defenseless young woman in a wheelchair and some old hairy guy taking advantage of her.

Lies! Deceit! Treachery!

Nothing could be further from the truth, no matter how far the truth has run away. Not that I'm not being truthful. Well, mostly truthful. Well, there are grains and small nuggets of truth woven in through this story. More of an AROMA of truth. Yeah, that's the ticket. That's the story.

So there we were, alone, cut off from the crowd. I was petrified. I prayed for deliverance. I prayed that the devil would not use his minion otherwise known as Sarah Brintnall against me. My prayers were not realized. I'm not sure what that means, but they weren't.

Sarah raised one arm up and pointed right at me with an evil smile, much like the Emperor on Star Wars. I was hopelessly caught in her web. She jerked her arm and my body convulsed. I was a puppet on her string, while she laughed her evil laugh. Then she FORCED me to take her out of the chair, and lay her down on the ground. She MADE me show her some World Wrestling Federation moves.

They were excellent moves. Worthy of ESPN, the deuce.

Then she got quiet, laying there below me, as a huge shadow fell across me, like Darth Vader. Sarah lay there looking up at me, smiling, for she knew that my destruction had come.

I turned and there was Darth's brother, Dan Vader; huge, hulking and lurking behind me like an evil presence.

He was approximately 22 feet tall and weighed 674.3 pounds, give or take a few tons. At least he SEEMED that way as I looked up from my prone position on the floor, my body laying across his daughter. Of course I didn't know this was his daughter. I didn't know she HAD a father, figuring she had been hatched from one of the evil egg factories of the Heart Empire.

I quickly stood up and turned to face my destruction, my doom.

Sounding exactly like James Earl Jones, he said, "I'm Sarah's father," and I knew then that my life was over. As I heard Sarah's evil laugh behind me, I knew that there, in that place, I would be slaughtered by the father of the woman who had stolen my heart. My innocent blood (well, partly innocent..... at least a drop or two of innocence....... well, it smelled innocent) would flow across the carpet and no one would care.

And then they would raise me up and force me to become yet another zombie in the Army of Sarah.

I quickly explained, or tried to explain, who I was and that I was not in fact trying to molest his daughter, but was showing her wrestling moves, and that it was ALL HER IDEA! He then approached me, wrapped his bear paw of a hand around my apparently dainty hand, leaned down and whispered into my ear, "Welcome, there are many of us here."

What the crap did THAT mean? I almost wet myself, I was so scared. But it was only ginger ale that Dan had accidentally poured on me from a height of 57 feet. He'd grown.

Later I learned that Dan was OK, and was only bad when he ran away from the influence and power of the Great Queen Ruth, may she live forever. I am TERRIFIED of that woman, I mean Queen. Please don't tell her I called her a woman. Not that she's NOT a woman. Wait, is that a double negative, so it means she IS a woman. No, a QUEEN! A Queen woman. That's it. See how dangerous this is? I'm already dead....

I learned later that Dan puts lotion on his legs, and my fear of him evaporated. Is that really so wrong? My fear that is, not the lotion. Cause that IS wrong. But don't you see, he's under control of Queen Ruth AND Princess Sarah. A puppet caught up in the Heart Empire. As for me? I'm running as fast as I can to get away. My heart is still tender and torn from where the Princess clutched it.

May she suffer great love and the torture of amazing joy and may peace and love and love and love flow over her like a tidal wave of God's love that we drown in to live.

May her birthday be awesome. May every day be like a birthday so that her un-birthdays are even more special than her real birthday. May her love shine like a torch to attract all the poor moth-like humans to the Kingdom of her Heart.

May she stop torturing poor defenseless men like me and just leave us alone, to continue working our way to the doors of our ivory towers. OK, OK, may she destroy our ivory towers and infect us with the virus of her special love.

I name myself a willing soldier of her Empire, and claim her as my awesome and beautiful Princess of the Heart. My heart is hers and happy I am to call her my sister.

Love,

John

PS- I realized after I wrote this that it was not about her birthday, but her graduation. But I left that part in just the same, to prove how demented my brain has become in her bahalf. It's all Sarah's fault. jk