Cletus Cowpie

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Cletus Cowpie is a friend that I met at Capernaum. He's a country boy and lives out past Pungo, wears beat up overalls, work boots and is part beaver according to his teeth. He doesn't use fancy words but he's connected to God in a way that fancy men may not be. Here are some of his writings, in no particular order.


Easter Eggs and Happy the Cow

By Cletus Cowpie


Well it sure fire is a fine day outside, and I aim to be out there mighty soon. But you know I was just sittin’ here eatin’ an Easter egg, mighty fine with salt and all, an’ I thought of something that my ODU fren' Chips said yesterClub about Easter eggs.

First off, Chips ain’t her real name. First time I heard it I figured she was somehow named after cow chips, which’re dried up old cow flops that look like Frisbees or nasty old oversized brown corn chips. But you don’t want to eat ‘em, oh no siree Bob, or even if yer name ain’t Bob.

But if Chips was a cow chip, then she must be about the prettiest chip I ever did see, and cow chips must smell like lavender or some kinda girly flower smell they likes to wear. God made that girl pretty from the inside out, and us men folk are mighty happy 'bout that. Thankee kindly, Lord!

Truth is that Chips got her nickname on account of the fact that she used to have a strong hankerin’ fer potato chips. Why her compulsion fer chips was so bad, she ‘bout near got herself arrested more’n twice. An’ even now if you should so much as show her a bag o’ chips much less wave a couple o’ chips under her nose, why ole Chips’s likely to roll up her eyes in her punkin’ head and roll around like one o’ them scary movie creatures.

So anyways, ole Chips, well she told Capernaum a story ‘bout Easter eggs and how she ‘n Jenny the Jewel (now she got her nickname on account o her heart bein’ just like a bright shiny diamond) painted up a passle o’ eggs right purty and then old Chips, why she took to skinin’ one a them eggs right before our eyes. And the whole time she’s skinnin’ that thar egg, she’s tellin’ us how we’re all like Easter eggs to God.

And you know what? That made sense to me, right much it did. Cause every one a them eggs’s different from the other, just like you’n me are, just as sure as shootin’. Some’re just one color, some’re got spots and pretty lines on ‘em, and some are just plain and simple. We all got a different skin on, when you stop and recollect and take a good look. God made us all just one at a time, and ain’t we all just about purtier than Easter eggs to boot? Next time you’re outside inbetwixt a lotta folks, why just set yerself on down and take a look at how fine God made us all.

Fine like Easter eggs.

But then Chips just ‘bout skinned that egg down to the yaller part of it. Right down to the yolk, to the guts, to the heart a that there egg. And she said that was where the magic took place. That inside was where old God could grow up a little baby chicken, just like magic. I reckon I don’t know how he does it, but he sure does it just the same!

And here’s the fun part: every dagblamed egg was like that, and had its very own magical heart and center where God could grow up something fine and new. And if our hearts is like eggs just a little, then don’t that maybe mean that we got us a magical spot where God can make something fine and new grow up inside us?

Why sure it do! Listen here...

I got me a cow that can’t never have her own baby, on account that God done froze up her insides and she can’t make no baby cow or milk to feed it. Doctors said it ain’t ever gonna be, no matter our prayers. We felt so sorry fer her all sad and troubled, that we named her Happy. But she ain’t all that happy, and every Spring when the calves are born, why Happy just wanders around mooing for her missin’ calf. Don’t matter to her that calf ain’t never comin’, old Happy just knows fer sure her life ain’t never gone be right until her calf comes.

Well sure enough this Spring, we had us a fine batch o’ calves this March and there was Happy, just callin’ out fer her calf that won’t never ever gonna come home to her. And sure enough, we all felt right bad fer her, and gave her extra special feed and talked to her right much.

Then we had the storm on Good Friday.

Now why do you reckon they calls it GOOD Friday if the finest man who ever lived died on that day? I reckon I’d call it Black Friday or Bad Friday or maybe Sinful Friday. I ain’t no priest, but I sure just have a right hard time with that there Good Friday name. But heck fire, that’s what they calls it, so who’m I to be whinin’ on like Happy in the Spring?

It was nigh past midnight when that thar storm hit like a sledgehammer o’ wind and rain and lightnin’. All the cows and calves come in fast to the barn and lowed out at the rain in they sorry huddles. All except fer Petunia an’ her calf. Seems that ole Petunia got her back right hoof stuck in a hole that opened up cause ‘o the rain. She fell right on down to her butt, and couldn’t get herself up no matter how hard she tried.

Problem was that this happened on top o’ the hill right next to the oak tree that been there since my granpappy was a sprite. That old oak tree done took a lick o’ lightnin’ strikes over the years, and this night won’t no different. Why they was the biggest crash o’ lightin’ I ever did heard in all my days, and it done killed ole Petunia, quicker than you can say, “skedaddle.”

The next mornin’ we come out and found her layin’ there dead, ready for the butcher, and her baby boy calf layin’ right next to her. We thought he was dead too, but nope, he move when we touched him. Got up too, in a while, and stumbled into the oak tree. Why that calf was blind and dumb and deaf, on account o’ that lightnin’ strike. So we hitched a rope to it and led it back to the barn.

That little calf wouldn’t eat at’all, no matter what we did. We brought it to other momma cows that were feedin’ younguns, but it don’t matter a bit. He was dyin’ no matter what we was tryin’. We was mighty broke up about it too, as you kin imagine, my whole family, but we didn’t have no other answers and just gave it to God to figure out fer us.

An’ he sure did figure it out this mornin’!

We woke up this fine Easter mornin’ and first thing we did was to go down to the barn and check on that baby calf. My kids’d already named him Jesus since he was struck down on the same day that the good Lord died. They ran ahead of me and pretty quick came runnin’ out o’ the barn, yellin’ “Daddy, come see! Come see quick, Daddy!”

Well, I started to runnin’ so as to see what the fuss was about.

And there, in the stall where we had laid little Jesus to die, well dog my cats but he was standin’ up and actin’ fine! An’ not only that, but right there next to him was none other than Miss Happy herself, lookin’ bout ready to fly she was so full o’ momma pride and such.

Well to say I couldn’t believe my two eyes ain’t half o’ the matter, so I just stared with my pie hole hangin’ open like a fly catcher.

My Jessie said, “Look, Daddy. Jesus has got milk all over his muzzle.” And sho enough ‘twas truer than blue. And just to prove it true, Jesus leaned on down under Miss Happy and started suckin’ her teat like he was fit to drown in her milk. Her milk?! Why, lo and behold but Happy was givin’ milk and now a momma to boot!

Lookey here, I can’t explain all the mysteries o’ life, or why things work the way they do. But I thinks Happy is just another miracle of God, put here to show us how right the world is. Tell you what else. I thinks we is ALL miracles waiting to happen, and the miracle is already inside us. Just like them Easter eggs.

I’m mighty happy that our little baby calf came back to life. And by coming back, he gave life to our Miss Happy, and gave her a reason and purpose for her life. I reckon the first Jesus died for the same reason for us: to give us a reason to live and a purpose for our little bitty lives.

So when you eat that there Easter egg, remember ole Jesus. The one in the barn, and the one in your heart. An’ celebrate how both came back to life to make us happy.



Computer Holidays

By Cletus Cowpie

I’s sittin’ in my friend John’s studio the other day. He does all kind a high falootin’ design and pitures there with his two fine ladies doin’ most a the work, an’ John maybe spendin’ most a his time starin’ off and wonderin’ ‘bout stuff. ‘Parrently they pay some folks to do that kind of thing. All I knows is that if’n I did that at the farm, my cow’s won’t get fed. An’ no food means no milk. So there you go. On a farm, the only things allowed to wonder are the cows.

So there I was sittin’ in the studio waitin’ on my friend to finish. Why he had a TV sittin’ on top a electronic equipment and such. They was plenty to look at as I waited. And then I noticed that one a his computers was takin’ a holiday. Least how’s that the way it seemed to me, Cletus Cowpie.

Shoot, that computer musta done a lot a work, cause it was takin’ a holiday way down yonder where the air is always warm and the water is the purtiest kinda green blue that you ever did see. And they gots coconut trees growing out in the middle a everywhere, not inside some grocery store like they got in Back Bay, where I hail from.

Well, that ‘puter musta got tired a that island it was on, cause pretty quick it changed to another place, and then another. Shoot, that musta been a mighty expensive vacation, what with all them places that ‘puter went to. An’ guess what? I went with it. I ain’t even met that ‘puter afore that very day, and looky there, we was on vacation together! Why I didn’t even have time to pack or nothin’.

First we was on some deserted lookin’ isle that just ‘bout put me to sleep, it did. That water looked fine and warm like a bathtub, and heck, they won’t no one around, so I just tore down to my birfday suit quickern’ you kin say, “Shazam!”

But I had to wake up quick as a bunny when we moved to another island and they was people and sailboats and all. But I was fine with that and bout ready to talk to some a them folks bout my island hoppin’ ‘puter vacation, but they just up and left me alone an’ I was dumped to yet another place I ain’t never been to afore.

Well, hey diddle diddle, I was caught in the middle a the water, an I could see fish below and sky above, just as purty as kin be. I just floated along peaceful like enjoyin’ myself and purely enjoyin’ my vacation when dang it all down, I got tore outta that water and stuck way down UNDER the water with sharks an a buncha purty little colored fish. Well I liked them purty little colorful fish, but not that there shark and I sucked in a big ole gullet-full a water and started to drown and that time I was mighty happy when that ‘puter yanked me to our next destination spot.

But I had to go, cause the cows needed me, and so my vacation was plum over. I sure was all juiced up, I kin tell ya, what with all the time off I had on that ‘puter vacation, which seemed to go on fer ever. But shoot, things seemed to be purty much the same when I got back.

Now I don’t know where my body was all that time of vacationin’, but I kin tell you just as sure my name is Cletus Cowpie that my mind and heart was down there where the water is warm and fine, and all the people are happy to see ya. I’m gonna go tell my cows ‘bout that vacation. As fer you, maybe you outta see if yer ‘puter kin take you on yer own vacation sometime soon.

Happy trails,

Cletus





The Hoe Down

Dear Capernaum,

Sometimes I wonder how God can possibly show up in places like a horse pasture. But he did last Satiday night. Sometimes I wonder how God can bring so many strangely different people together to act like a fambly fer four hours in October. But he done did that too!

Ladies and Gents, Boys and Girls, Fellers and Smellers, Horses and Cows, Sheeps and Goats, Billy Bobs and Sallie Maes.......... we done had us a fine Hoe Down......

..... and I do believe that God was stompin' and boppin' along with the best of us there underneath that pretty white tent with the wind blowin' and people pacin' around trying to find the best deal in the Silent Auction. Ahhhh, yes, but wasn't that just a fine time.

Our mission was to throw a Hoe Down and invite our closest family and friends and some folks that might need to learn a few things about Capernaum, and as a result maybe a few things about themselves and why it is that God makes the world go round like it does. Like he does.

I reckon we achieved our mission!

Well, let me tell you 'bout them fine ladies of the Silent Auction. First of all, it won't silent at all! Why, they was the jabberinest buncha sisters you ever did hear, and they sure were organized and ready to rumble from day one. Miss Ivy just about punched a hole in the sky with all her hard work and like to turn herself into butter with the churnin out of ideas and work she did. I ain't gonna name all the names, or my fingers would get torn up with the lock jaw or somethin' worst.

And howdy doody but didn't Miss Cherry, Jenny and Mr. Ron just look plum fine in those fancy Square Dance duds they was wearin'? And their pretty people in groups of eight sure looked like a square bunch to me, but did you see how they just danced their way into the hearts of our people. Now I'll bet sure they got dancin' like that up in heaven, and I may have to wait to learn it good until then.

Can you even beLIEVE that Miss Karen Voogt won that door prize, and her thinkin' I'm sure that it was just a thankee gift from us on account of the big ole help her and her family done give to Capernaum. Well, I think that God was just smilin' in that drawin' and shoot, we saved some money to boot!

Speakin' a money, we didn't make a lick, truth is that we went in the hole a tad bit. But you know what, I knew it was gonna happen, this bein' our first year, and so did the 'rents. So ifn' you is countin' money, we is all poor and failures, but ifn' you is countin' the size of our hearts and our spirits, why then we is all GAZILLIONAIRES, just as sure as Cletus Cowpie is real an' his teeth are store bought.

We knew we had to start plantin' them seeds of love and hope and sure enough, just as sure as God is gonna lift you up when you sure feel like you is done gone, our seeds is already sproutin', and come Spring, we'll be fertilizin' and then a harvest to be had next fall, when the moon is full and yeller in the sky, and we come together bye and bye.

Will you come back next Fall and see old Cletus agin?

And how bout Miss Joyce, headin' up the whole gizmo and findin' us a fine old spot, right there at Back Bay Farm. And then to boot hookin us up with the tent and so much more. The owner of the ranch we was on was a fine man named Gene Hansen. I think you can tell a lot about a man by the way he loves on his kids, or in this case, his grand baby. Why Gene and his Lilley (1-year old) were like peas and carrots and if love was a song they would have played a symphony together.

And didn't Capernaum play a fine song that day? Couldn't you just hear it in your heart, and it kinda made you turn around to see where all the nice music was comin' from. Sometimes we are just like spiritual juke boxes and we play some fine stuff when we just let our hearts kinda relax and say kerplop to each other.

There's a feelin' about a place that you can feel as soon as you arrive and it tells you whether or not you are welcome, whether you are loved and whether or not you can be yourself. Well shoot, at Capernaum, we don't want you to be anything BUT yourselves on account as it just takes too much attention if you play like you're someone else. And our brains may not be able to track anything but the honest truth of who you are.

Plus we have all learned to just love one another the AGAPE way.

Now agape loves just means that no matter how many warts you got, no matter how ugly some part or another of you might look, no matter if you can walk or not, whether you can even speak or just look at us with eyes that go back to before time began and love was pure. We don't really care who you are, or what kind of a problem you got. Because we have been told by Mr. JC hisself to love you as if you were our brother or sister. Like you was our blood kin. Like we won't ever leave you, ever and ever.

And didn't you feel like you was a part of a big old family last Satiday night? Didya feel it?

And how bout them Leaders? Shoot, they sure are somethin' alright. They did just about everything and anything they needed to make the kids and the kin feel at home. Now someone please explain to me how you can make a field with horse flops feel like home. Well they did and it was home for just about four hours or so, and it was finer than Aunt Jemima.

To everyone who helped out, why you all got the respect and and rightful thanks from Cletus Cowpie, that's me, right here and talkin' to ya. Ifn' you ever doubt yer worth, never ferget you kin just ask me what I think, and sit back a bit whilst I tells ya, and you forgiven' me for runnin' on and all. Cause I reckon if God can go on and on about how each and everone of us is his favorite and just righter than rain, well then ole Cletus take take a lick at it too. Yer all is just plain fine to me.

I remember pulling some new kids out to the dance floor and just handin' them off to our Capernaum kids. And those wonderful Capernaum kids didn't even bat an eye, and just danced away with the new kids like they had knowed them ferever. Ferever and a blink of an eye and it's all gone.

But on Satiday night, we didn't blink fer four hours, and wasn't it just fine.

Yes it were.

This is old Cletus Cowpie, tired and worn out, comin' to you for the last time this year. I'll be back agin next year to do it again. That is, ifn' you wants to...

Waddaya say, will ya do it agin with me next year?

Love,

Cletus

PS- I miss you already